I understand it all!
“Why didn’t you tell me?” “Oh, I didn’t think you were being serious!” Going through depression has to be the hardest phase I had to experience in my entire life. Because of the way I carry myself, someone as hype as I am- explaining to others that I was depressed was the least thing everyone wanted to hear.
The word depression is described as feelings severe despondency and dejection, low spirit, etc.… (Merriam-Webster). I am a high-spirited person! I portray myself in a way that only brings positive energy around others. It even reflects on the way I dress: I wear a lot of fun and vibrant colors, which stand out among others- such as pop colors as neon.
A couple months ago, I have found myself in a place I couldn’t ever imagine: depression. For months, I lost my appetite, panic attack, couldn’t sleep at night, I was dealing and still dealing with a project that I have invested every breath that I’ve got, “4:53”. Through it all, I realized no one really understood me.
Every day, I woke up- overthinking of problems that I would never be able to solve. Thinking of a lot of “what ifs”, which literally drove me insane. I reached to a point where I didn’t want to think anymore- I just wanted to peacefully sleep. However, when I slept, I was still thinking, I could never rest my mind and that led me to a darker place.
I started to stop caring less for myself. By then, I knew I needed help! I prayed but never fully believed. The scariest thing was reaching out to friends and family. First and foremost, I don’t think my family fully understands what it’s like to be “depressed”. I am young, educated and a great job, what is there to be depressed about? Secondly, some of my friends did not think I was going through enough to be depressed. And about the few who understood and tried to advise me- everything they said was going through one ear and coming out to the other. I was in a space where I didn’t want to hear what others had to say- and for that reason, I dodged the idea of going to see any professional. I didn’t think no one could have helped me.
One day it finally hit me. I was getting agitated watching times fly by and I wasn’t doing anything about it. I woke up and I started to discipline myself and doing the things I used to love: photography, editing, writing and working out. Within the times I was down, I gained a tremendous amount of weight. I found a reason to go back to the gym, to lose weight. Every morning at 5:00, I was at the gym. And that’s how I got over my depression!
Why am I telling you all this? Depression is not a joking matter. It is NOT! One thing about myself is that I have gone through so many experiences that make less judgmental toward others. I understand why some people react a certain way when they have hit rock bottom. I understand addicts- because for a long time, sleep was my addiction. At the end of the day, we all are trying to run away from our demons.
So I understand!
If it happens to me, it can happen to anyone. And what works for me may not work for others. Like one of the solution some people listed online was listening to music. As much as I love music, I choose what to listen base on my mood. So when I was down, I listened to music that made me feel worsen than I was before. My best advice to anyone who may be going through depression, please find someone who understands the situation and talk to them. Don’t ever hold everything in until it is too late. I hope this post helps at least one person who reads it.